scared

This past week I've been studying Phase 2 of the Marshall Protocol and making plans to start it. It is rather daunting. It makes Phase 1 look like a wading pool; now I'm about to dive off the high board. The absolute fastest that Phase 2 can be completed is about six months, and it's much more likely to take twice that, or even more. I have to decide if it would be prudent for me to go even more slowly than standard. And although what I learned in Phase 1 will be helpful, the patterns I've gotten used to are pretty much gone. Instead of a 48 hour cycle, it is a ten day cycle. Actually it is both, because the 48 hour cycle continues but with a ten day cycle layered on top of it. It changes the dynamic completely. I can't explain it any more clearly than that.

For the last few days I've been grumpy and anxious and restless. I am ready to start but it is hard to let go of the feeling of control I've had for the past few weeks. I am revisiting the paradox I wrote about a few weeks ago.

People are asking me when I will be able to come back out into the sunlight. A few weeks ago I was hopeful that I would reach that point by the fall. Now I am not so sure. It is hard to let go of expectation.

But I am so grateful.