Sunday, April 6, 2008


This past week I've been studying Phase 2 of the Marshall Protocol and making plans to start it. It is rather daunting. It makes Phase 1 look like a wading pool; now I'm about to dive off the high board. The absolute fastest that Phase 2 can be completed is about six months, and it's much more likely to take twice that, or even more. I have to decide if it would be prudent for me to go even more slowly than standard. And although what I learned in Phase 1 will be helpful, the patterns I've gotten used to are pretty much gone. Instead of a 48 hour cycle, it is a ten day cycle. Actually it is both, because the 48 hour cycle continues but with a ten day cycle layered on top of it. It changes the dynamic completely. I can't explain it any more clearly than that.

For the last few days I've been grumpy and anxious and restless. I am ready to start but it is hard to let go of the feeling of control I've had for the past few weeks. I am revisiting the paradox I wrote about a few weeks ago.

People are asking me when I will be able to come back out into the sunlight. A few weeks ago I was hopeful that I would reach that point by the fall. Now I am not so sure. It is hard to let go of expectation.

But I am so grateful.


Susan in St. Paul said...

Hang in there, you can do it!

I think that is why AA has that "one day at a time" thing, because looking beyond is so overwhelming.

Control is really just an illusion anyway, I am sure 15 yrs ago neither of us thought we'd be where we are today, but here we are. Things could be worse...

Stuff happens out of our control all the time, and we can either move forward from it or wallow in it. I don't quite see you as the wallowing kind.

Just tell them when they ask that you will let them know as soon as you know.

You made it through Phase 1, you can do it! Just keep your eyes on the prize ;-)

Adela said...

Thanks, Susan. You are very right. I am trying not to wallow but at the same time I am making an effort to acknowledge my fears rather than suppress them. The amazing thing is that all these things do pass. I feel so much better today than I did two days ago. When I went to bed last night I decided I would count today a victory even if all I managed to do was shower. Well, not only did I shower but I got the new meds taken care of and I feel much better!

Susan in St. Paul said...

Congratulations! I am glad you accomplished so much today.

I am finding more and more as I get older that most things are matters of perception.

I see no problem in acknowledging fears, as long as it doesn't prevent a person from moving forward.